Kelly Rowlands is a Registered Psychologist and a Mum of 3 under 3. Kelly believes a life lived well is all about building connections with oneself, family, friends, and the community.
“A life lived well is all about connection including good relationships with oneself, families, friends and communities.”
For over a decade I was a psychologist working mostly in schools with Adolescents. I always wanted to be a mum but never imagined I would have 3 children, under 3. I often get asked how we manage. Sometimes I wonder how we actually do it. Every family is different just like every child. I remember asking parents ‘what is their parenting style?’ and often got a very confused look.
As a parent I now understand it is sometimes difficult to label a parenting style but being able to explain values and rituals help carers to align. I want to share what works for our young family of 5 in the hope that it may start conversations in your family. In creating time and space to discuss values and rituals, this may help you and your partner, grandparents, or other carers create a stronger partnership in raising your children.
Family First
When we had our first child, we had time to reflect on our values on how we wanted to parent. We spoke about creating family traditions such as Sunday dinners and what experiences we wanted to recreate from our own childhood such as Christmas stockings. My partner and I created space to take time to reflect on our parenting values and strategies. Since having more children and as they have grown, we try and give each other time to debrief and have conversations on how we can work together to support the needs of the children. This is not always easy but has proved beneficial so we make the effort.
We both believe that managing a family so young is constantly developing and we need to be flexible and change the way we approach things. What may work in the morning doesn’t necessarily work the following day when the children have reached developmental milestones. Things change so quickly when children are young and we need to adapt and learn from each other about what is working. One thing has stayed which is our core family values.
Accept the Chaos
How do you cope? We accept the chaos. At times the household is extremely loud. Someone may need a minute to express themselves. We have learnt to accept the chaos. I have a rule for myself and that is, tidy the house every night when the kids go to bed but do not focus on cleaning or even tidying throughout the day, the children come first.
At times we have found that one of the children may need a minute to process their emotions and it is important to let the emotion ride itself out. Emotions come and go. If my partner is with me we often are able to entertain the other children. However if it is just one parent we try and accept the chaos and i like to call it ‘RIDE THE WAVE.’ We understand that sometimes we aren’t going to make it to an activity by a particular time and that is ok.
Manage my Expectations and Others’ Expectations.
All my children are learning. They are young and developmentally can only do what they can do. Managing my expectations and the people around them helps my children not to feel pressured. My husband often says it ’s not that you can’t do it. You can’t do it yet, just keep trying.’ I remember reading Dr Ross Greene who says “kids do well when they can.” It is important to assess a child’s ability to have skills at different age and stages. They all develop at different times. Some children need more time to develop skills naturally or at times it is our job as adults to help the child learn the skill.
Stay Off Social Media. Over the past few months, I have deleted Instagram from my phone. It helps me to stop looking at it while I’m with the children. Since then I have felt like I have been able to give my children more of my attention. My partner has also recently done the same and described feeling more relaxed.
Breathe and Increase my Energy. Just before daycare pick up or even sometimes before I need to start getting the kids out of the car, I often take a minute and look in the mirror. I say to myself “Ok, Let’s go!” In that moment I find myself resetting and picking up my energy. Self-talk is extremely important for building positivity, and I often use it to encourage myself to focus on the precious moments I have with my children. At times it is very difficult managing the needs of 3 under 3 or even just one of the children, however I also feel extremely blessed to be able to be a Mum and want to make the most out of my time with them.
Prepare for Anything
We prepare as much as possible, especially activities. My children are at home with me 4 days a week and I try to organise activities and free time for them. They currently enjoy the library and playing at the park however I am always trying to organise new activities for them to explore. My partner and I have learnt that it’s best to prepare for anything. We often prepare the night before and make sure we have snacks, a full nappy bag including spare clothes, and prepare their clothes they will be wearing as this all helps us to manage the morning routine.
Connecting with Community, it is important to build up a network of people that understand the age and stage of our children. We often attend local book club or music events designed specifically for the children’s age. We also have tried to build up our children’s friendships by organising playdates and getting to know their parents. Building up social networks have helped the children to feel more connected to their daycare and their community.
Daycare is the second most important environment in our children’s lives. We make sure we build up our children’s relationship with their daycare teachers. Sending emails, having meetings, and daily chats all help to build up strong communication. When picking the right daycare for our children we focused on looking for positivity and great communication.
